


Conversations in Wonderland

by Chicory



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Crack, Meta, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-05
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-08-29 04:52:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8476123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chicory/pseuds/Chicory
Summary: Shepard has a talk with the Leviathan and the Catalyst. I guess this leans on the Fourth Wall and smashes it?





	

**Author's Note:**

> So I was replaying Mass Effect and I wrote this at four a.m. so proceed with caution if you will. I don't know if someone has already written something like this because I don't read Mass Effect fanfiction.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Mass Effect does not belong to me. If it did, I would scrap the whole thing and rewrite it from the beginning. *sigh* Also, unbetaed.

LEVIATHAN: We are the apex species! The divine lords of the galaxy! Everyone falls into our thrall! Bow down before us, primitive human, and be awed!

SHEPARD: Uhuh. So what happened?

LEVIATHAN: Well, you know. A little bit of this and a little bit of that. We noticed our slaves—when they reached the apex of their species—were creating AIs and then those AIs would rebel and kill their creators.

SHEPARD: Aaaand?

LEVIATHAN: Look, I'm sure you know good slaves are hard to come by, okay? Through our apex species' enormous intelligence and deductive abilities we concluded there was only one solution.

SHEPARD: And that was?

LEVIATHAN: To create an AI of our own! To preserve all life!

SHEPARD: I take it didn't go so well for you. Through my tiny intelligence and primitive deductive abilities.

LEVIATHAN: Your sarcasm is unappreciated, primitive human. There might have been a few totally unforeseen mishaps in our plan of brilliance. There was no way we could have known that our AI would turn against us, harvest us, and then turn our liquefied DNA into sentient machines. Nope, totally did not see it coming. It's not like we had time to observe similar experiences or anything. It came right out of the left field, I tell you, and we have multiple eyes. SEE HOW BLINDED WE WERE?

SHEPARD: So the Reapers are your sentient machines?

LEVIATHAN: No, you primitive idiot! We had just that one. Do you think we are stupid, human? We existed before you were even amoeba in primordial oceans! That AI created the first Reaper, Harbinger. Pretty nasty fellow if you think about it and it seems to be a wee bit obsessed with you. Then they made Reapers out of us—total slaughter, just fish guts and octopus tentacles everywhere—and then they created the Mass Relays and the Citadel for whatever nefarious purpose. That first AI is most likely the Catalyst inside the Crucible. Because, you know, none of the characters know what the Crucible is or where it originated from. It could be anything! Thrilling, isn't it? We live in exciting times.

SHEPARD: I'm thrilled. Silently.

*

LATER ON.

*

THE CATALYST: You primitive lifeform—I mean, _dear friend_ —see this mysterious machine which origins and purpose none of you in the game questioned? I am the AI inside it. I am the Catalyst. I control the Reapers.

SHEPARD: Just tell me why I won't shoot you right now and destroy the Reapers.

THE CATALYST: Because that would be foolish, you primitive lifeform! I mean, dear friend. Shooting won't solve all your problems in life.

SHEPARD: Usually it just means I haven't shot it enough.

THE CATALYST: See, I know this looks totally suspect from your view point. There were all these mass genocides throughout millions and millions of years. We have probably killed more species than you can even imagine with that primitive brain of yours. Then there were all those synthetic slaves we created—like the Keepers and the Collectors and the husks and those creepy turians, turian-yahg hybrids because we like experiments, everyone likes experiments, right, and then those malformed asari and krogans—okay, pretty much every species. But not the salarians. Or the elcor. Or the volus. No one cares about those—

SHEPARD: Um, is there a point in all this?

THE CATALYST: Yes, you primitive lifeform! I mean, friend.  _Dear_ friend. There is a point. And it is a very important point. See, right now, you will look into my holographic eyes and I'll tell you all those genocides and mind rapes and genetic rapes and force-breeding the rachni were all just a funny misunderstanding. A lark, really. And you will believe me. But you are half-deluded from pain and you can be forgiven.

SHEPARD: Where the heck did I leave my gun?

THE CATALYST: Let us not be hasty, you inferior lifeform. Friend. See, we were created with a purpose. And we have doggedly carried out that purpose for the past trillions of years. See, what we noticed was this...

SHEPARD: I'm waiting.

THE CATALYST: We noticed that you primitive lifeforms created AIs.

SHEPARD: I... really don't see where this is going. Or I do. And I wish I didn't.

THE CATALYST: And then those AIs would rebel against their creators and kill them.

SHEPARD: Like you.

THE CATALYST: Nooooooo. Look into my holographic eyes, you primitive lifeform. Friend. Dear friend. It was all just a misunderstanding. A misunderstanding you won't know about unless you buy the DLC so it doesn't even really exist. So where was I? Right. The AIs would rebel against their creators and kill them. So, you know, through our enormous intelligence and deductive abilities we concluded there was only one solution.

SHEPARD: I'm not sure I want to hear this.

THE CATALYST: The solution was—cue in dramatic music, this is important, this is the whole culmination of this game series—the solution was to create synthetics to kill you stupid organics before you stupid organics would create synthetics to kill you stupid organics.

SHEPARD: ...

THE CATALYST: I can see why you are astounded. You just cannot fathom our intelligence with your primitive brains. Friend.

SHEPARD: I think my brain just exploded and bled out of my ears. Huh.

THE CATALYST: Because of the brilliance of our deductive abilities, I'm sure.

SHEPARD: There's a saying on Earth and that saying is: the characters are only as intelligent as their creators. I'll let you think about that.

THE CATALYST: Hah! I have another one for you: obviously stories are only as intelligent as their intended audiences. Anyhoo, since we are at the climax, I will let you choose from these three identical endings. But do not be fooled! For they are totally not identical in either sequence or colour! See, that one is blue and it will let you take control of the Reapers. Which I assure you is, like, totally safe and in no way could go wrong and totally isn't a plot to murder you. That one is green and it will turn every living being in the galaxy into half-machine and half-organic because obviously machines have DNA in the future. It's science. Remember all those synthetic things we created? Weren't they totally cuddly? I'm sure you'll like the experience. Oh, and you can just ignore that red one. It's the worst of the lot. It isn't even Christmas.

SHEPARD: I still can't find my gun.

THE CATALYST: I would also like to inform you—as small print—that choosing any of the three will result in all our technology exploding. It means that regardless of what you choose all the solar systems in the galaxy will blow up. Except not because when we were pointed this out we totally retconned it from the previous retcon that not even a supernova can destroy a Mass Relay. Ever wonder about the con in that word? It's slander, I tell you. Now all of our technology will just malfunction. Which means all you organic morons in the Citadel will suffocate to death if you don't die of exposure first. And all you other organic morons are stranded on ravaged Earth and all the krogans will probably eat you once you all start starving.

SHEPARD: I knew I should have held onto it tighter.

THE CATALYST: Also, we will need to liquefy you. Because otherwise this bit of space magic just won't work. I assure you, it's totally not a plot to kill the hero of the galaxy who is the hope of all species and leader of this war. Totally not. For we are trustworthy. For we have artistic integrity.

SHEPARD: Well, I guess it isn't your fault that you are only as intelligent as your creator. I think I'll just sit right over here and watch my krogan army beat your scaly asses on their space dinosaurs.

THE CATALYST: I JUST GAVE YOU THE PRETENSION OF CHOICE AND YOU IGNORE IT?

SHEPARD: Hey, the only way to win is not to play. And I'm not playing. Oh look. There goes a Reaper. How sad.

THE CATALYST: Did I mention that in each ending your crew will totally abandon you to strand on a deserted planet and immediately hang up your name on the memorial wall without mourning or even waiting to see if you are really dead? They are all smiling! They are happy you're dead! Perhaps now they will get those bonuses! Also, they will all die, too, because none of them can breed together. Aside from the asari. It shall be the first inbred asari colony.

SHEPARD: Yeah. Still not listening.

THE CATALYST: Tell me, did you ever wonder if the asari breeding habits are an ingenious way to genocide all other species out of the galaxy? Did you notice the curious lack of other species on their planet?

SHEPARD: I'd... really rather not think about that if you don't mind.

THE CATALYST: Did you ever wonder if your good friend Liara raped you when you were saying your farewells on Earth?

SHEPARD: ...it might have crossed my mind. But I figured it was just bad writing like everything else in this series.

THE CATALYST: Bad writing, she says! Oh you primitive lifeform. It is known as _artistic integrity_. And this series has plenty. Did you notice that your good friend Liara has an—shall we say, _unhealthy_ —obsession with you in spite of your rejection of her advances in ME1?

SHEPARD: Look, all this talking still isn't going to make me choose. And hey, there goes another Reaper. Sure glad I bought that DLC and persuaded those Leviathans to join. By the way, was the Thorian some kind of land-dwelling cousin of the Leviathans? Because I always sort of assumed it was.

THE CATALYST: Conrad Verner set up a shrine for you. Legion stuck a piece of your armour on itself but at least it was repair. Liara scraped up a piece of your armour from your flattened, cold, dead body and enclosed it in a vitrine. In her apartment. You really know how to collect them, don't you?

SHEPARD: Okay, _fine_. When you put it that way it does sound a little weird.

THE CATALYST: If I had done it like the asari would you have said yes? We both have tentacles.

SHEPARD: ...I'm just going to ignore everything you say. But there's something that's been bugging me for a while. If a dead reaper and even a piece of dead reaper and any reaper artifact can indoctrinate anyone how come the Mass Relays and the Citadel don't?

THE CATALYST: What makes you think they don't?

**Author's Note:**

> While I was playing the third game I was reminded how stupid the whole thing was and felt the irresistible urge to shoot something. So I wrote this to make myself feel better.
> 
> Thank you for reading :) If anyone did, ha ha.


End file.
